What community?

     I find it very sad when people in your own community drag you down. When a cross-dresser tells you a FTM that you look girly, yet you can see their 5’o clock shadow and still say they look beautiful. When someone tells you that the young transgendered woman that you are interested in and are trying to figure out the dating game together is just toying with you because she’s bored. I don’t understand how we can go about yelling stick together and build a community when all we do is drag one another down.

     I sit back and I keep my mouth shut a lot of the times but this is the straw that broke my back. You may be right. I may look “girlish” right now but that could probably be because I have yet to take my first shot of testosterone. The young woman that I am fascinated by could possibly be using me or just “playing” with me as you so politely put it but it’s my life.  I find it laughable that I am to believe these people are part of my community but they don’t bother to get to know anything about me. You don’t bother to educate yourselves in what it’s like to be an FTM yet I am supposed to listen day in and day out about how hard it is to be MTF or a cross-dresser.

     I don’t doubt that you have it hard but I find it insulting that you believe my life is any easier. Do you know what it’s like to fear for your life from your own family? Did you run away from home with no money and no plan? You do not know me. You will never know me. I put on this bright smile and I accept each and every one of you. Please return that respect to me. I do not judge you. I do not tell you that the person you’re attracted to would never want to be with you really. I can’t understand how you think you’re building a community when you alienate your peers.

     If this young woman is toying with me well tough shit for me but please don’t put someone down when they’re finally finding some small piece of happiness. I'll get off my soap box now. 

Wild horses couldn't keep me away..

I may be 24 but I feel like 15 all over again. I go outside to sit on a swing while staring at the night sky. Silently wondering to myself if your heart is racing just as fast as mine. I think I could spend hours in silence with you and be perfectly happy. The perfect ending to a hard day is to hear you say hello on the other end of the line. 

Time goes by all too quickly when I capture your attention. Hours seem like minutes and I never want to let you go. I sound silly? I must. Puppy love ramblings are not what I thought I would be doing at almost 5am. I just can't get my mind off of you.   

T..

So it's official people I received my script for T today and will be getting my first shot on May 4th. Why so long? Well MA kind of sucks and they do appointments really weird here. You have to pretty much be dying to get into someone quickly otherwise you're waiting at least a month.

I was so excited when I first got the script and I kept having all these thoughts about how it's finally here. How I'm finally going to start the next step in my life and then it hit me. All the doubts I've always had came out with a full on assault. I can't catch a break from my own mental state it seems.

I don't doubt that I'm transgender however my religious guilt sets in and I think to myself "what if the bibles right? Is this worth going to hell over?" Fun place to be in my mind. Then I remember that I can't live as I am or I'll lose my mind anyways and it gets a little better. Another fun thing my mind does? It reminds me that I'm TERRIFIED of needles. It seems I can never just enjoy getting to another step in this transtion. Another huge fear of mine is that I'll have some horrible transformation and become a hairy ape or something like that. Vain and crazy I know but yet it still scares me to not know everything that will happen. Not what can that isn't enough for me. I want to know exactly to a T and that just isn't possible.

I've ramble enough it's 4am and I'm sitting here trying to calm myself. Sleep calls my name. Until next time.