T..

So it's official people I received my script for T today and will be getting my first shot on May 4th. Why so long? Well MA kind of sucks and they do appointments really weird here. You have to pretty much be dying to get into someone quickly otherwise you're waiting at least a month.

I was so excited when I first got the script and I kept having all these thoughts about how it's finally here. How I'm finally going to start the next step in my life and then it hit me. All the doubts I've always had came out with a full on assault. I can't catch a break from my own mental state it seems.

I don't doubt that I'm transgender however my religious guilt sets in and I think to myself "what if the bibles right? Is this worth going to hell over?" Fun place to be in my mind. Then I remember that I can't live as I am or I'll lose my mind anyways and it gets a little better. Another fun thing my mind does? It reminds me that I'm TERRIFIED of needles. It seems I can never just enjoy getting to another step in this transtion. Another huge fear of mine is that I'll have some horrible transformation and become a hairy ape or something like that. Vain and crazy I know but yet it still scares me to not know everything that will happen. Not what can that isn't enough for me. I want to know exactly to a T and that just isn't possible.

I've ramble enough it's 4am and I'm sitting here trying to calm myself. Sleep calls my name. Until next time.