Interesting bit #2.

                    Interesting bit #2

I have a secret that I personally find interesting. I’ve never had the courage to ask anyone else if they feel the same way. I wish I could find someone I trust to ask this but then again I don’t know many people like myself.

I’m scared to death of being transgendered. Actually I’m scared to death of possibly being wrong about my gender. You may not understand where I’m coming from and I may not be able to explain it perfectly. In the back of my mind I’m always asking myself could I just actually be a confused lesbian. I know I’ve always felt different and I related more to males, that I find females completely foreign. However as that may be I’m still terrified of when the time comes that I actually start changing.

I've been approved for testosterone or T twice now. The first time I was approved I had to move to a different state before I received my letter and that caused me to restart the process. This is my second approval and I know the day the letter is being written but again the same feelings are coming. The feeling that maybe, just maybe I’m not this man that I’m presenting to be.

I could be completely wrong in all of this since I do have horrible anxiety and a very large fear of needles. To add to the issues I’m also terrified of change; any change at all. I’m terrified that T won’t deepen my voice enough or that I’ll have horrific acne. I’m afraid that I will never look like a man. Afraid that I could possibly forever look like some little kid that can’t pass for anything other than a 13 year little boy.

I also have an issue with family. I was raised as a very conservative Christian. When I came out to my family as a lesbian they actually tried to pray the gay out of me. I was an outcast in my own home. Luckily I was never abused but my life changed drastically after I came out. I was no longer allowed to hang out with my cousins. My grandparents avoided me at all costs and my home no longer felt like home. My biggest fear is that once I start T I will not even be allowed in my home. That I will completely lose what little aspect of my family I still have.

I’ve rambled enough for this blog I think for today. I know my grammar is terrible and that I need a beta reader but I don’t know anyone that I could trust with most of my thrown together thoughts. I try very hard with this so if someone wants to volunteer to pre-read my blogs I may take you up on the offer but for now I end with this.

    Am I alone or do others feel like me?