Why do you have to be Trans?

Can't you just be a lesbian?

Do you think you're a guy?


I didn't sign up for this....


Sunday, March 17, 2013

Lost


I've really no idea where to start this. Back in June of 2012 such a short time ago I felt life was starting to work out. I had a great job while it wasn't stressful and didn't pay well, I loved what I did. I was starting a romantic relationship with a woman that actually understood everything I was going through. How did life spin so far out of control?

I sit here today unemployed, debt over my head, and basically homeless. I've been kicked out of my apartment in Massachusetts and had to relocate back to Kentucky. I live in my grandparents home with no privacy. I've also had religious guilt from about the age of 7. Now sitting here I’m faced with a hard choice. I can follow my faith meaning I give up my transition which so far I have completely put on hold. This also means being utterly confused for the rest of my life.

I have never been normal by any sense of the term. By age 6 or 7, I knew I was interested in woman. I have also felt like I was a boy trapped in the wrong body. Now in order to follow my faith I must live life as the girl I never wanted to be. I’m conflicted in so many ways. I believe in my God, while many may call my brainwashed I know what I feel. I want to do what is right but sometimes it feels hopeless.


Saturday, June 23, 2012

Fail new blogger thing..

Well that is interesting. I'm not sure if it's a new security feature or if it's just a fail default option by "google+" but now I can't read anyone's blogs. It says you have to invite me to see the blog. Well.. guess if you're on my list and you want me to be able to continue to read your work you have to invite me to do so.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Fuck...


                                                                    Fuck I think I’m falling in love.

                What is love? Is it that fuzzy feeling I get every time I see your name? Or that tingle down my spine every time someone asks me how you are? Could love be that stupid grin I get when you say my name? I honestly don’t think I know what real love is. I’ve spent too many years faking my emotions that I’m not entirely sure as to what this might be.  
                This online thing is so confusing me to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting played and others I feel like I could be perfectly happily being your man for as long as you’d have me. You honestly scare the shit out of me. I don’t want to be a game or a test for you but sometimes you make me feel like as long as I can have a little bit of you I wouldn’t mind what you did to me.
                Being in an online romance I feel stupid sometimes for how my heart races because of you but there are other times when it just doesn’t matter to me. You make me feel like I can be someone important. I guess what I’m saying is in July I may not be able to let you go. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

What community?


     I find it very sad when people in your own community drag you down. When a cross-dresser tells you a FTM that you look girly, yet you can see their 5’o clock shadow and still say they look beautiful. When someone tells you that the young transgendered woman that you are interested in and are trying to figure out the dating game together is just toying with you because she’s bored. I don’t understand how we can go about yelling stick together and build a community when all we do is drag one another down.

     I sit back and I keep my mouth shut a lot of the times but this is the straw that broke my back. You may be right. I may look “girlish” right now but that could probably be because I have yet to take my first shot of testosterone. The young woman that I am fascinated by could possibly be using me or just “playing” with me as you so politely put it but it’s my life.  I find it laughable that I am to believe these people are part of my community but they don’t bother to get to know anything about me. You don’t bother to educate yourselves in what it’s like to be an FTM yet I am supposed to listen day in and day out about how hard it is to be MTF or a cross-dresser.

     I don’t doubt that you have it hard but I find it insulting that you believe my life is any easier. Do you know what it’s like to fear for your life from your own family? Did you run away from home with no money and no plan? You do not know me. You will never know me. I put on this bright smile and I accept each and every one of you. Please return that respect to me. I do not judge you. I do not tell you that the person you’re attracted to would never want to be with you really. I can’t understand how you think you’re building a community when you alienate your peers.
     If this young woman is toying with me well tough shit for me but please don’t put someone down when they’re finally finding some small piece of happiness. I'll get off my soap box now. 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Wild horses couldn't keep me away..


I may be 24 but I feel like 15 all over again. I go outside to sit on a swing while staring at the night sky. Silently wondering to myself if your heart is racing just as fast as mine. I think I could spend hours in silence with you and be perfectly happy. The perfect ending to a hard day is to hear you say hello on the other end of the line. 

Time goes by all too quickly when I capture your attention. Hours seem like minutes and I never want to let you go. I sound silly? I must. Puppy love ramblings are not what I thought I would be doing at almost 5am. I just can't get my mind off of you.   

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

T..

So it's official people I received my script for T today and will be getting my first shot on May 4th. Why so long? Well MA kind of sucks and they do appointments really weird here. You have to pretty much be dying to get into someone quickly otherwise you're waiting at least a month.

I was so excited when I first got the script and I kept having all these thoughts about how it's finally here. How I'm finally going to start the next step in my life and then it hit me. All the doubts I've always had came out with a full on assault. I can't catch a break from my own mental state it seems.

I don't doubt that I'm transgender however my religious guilt sets in and I think to myself "what if the bibles right? Is this worth going to hell over?" Fun place to be in my mind. Then I remember that I can't live as I am or I'll lose my mind anyways and it gets a little better. Another fun thing my mind does? It reminds me that I'm TERRIFIED of needles. It seems I can never just enjoy getting to another step in this transtion. Another huge fear of mine is that I'll have some horrible transformation and become a hairy ape or something like that. Vain and crazy I know but yet it still scares me to not know everything that will happen. Not what can that isn't enough for me. I want to know exactly to a T and that just isn't possible.

I've ramble enough it's 4am and I'm sitting here trying to calm myself. Sleep calls my name. Until next time.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Do I affect you?

I have found a great transgendered/crossdressing online chatroom and forum site for me to make friends with and while there I came across a topic that I couldn't believe so here it is.
Do I affect you? Does dating a transgendered individual define your sexuality? I have always been a firm believer that you are your own person. For me that even goes so far to say that if you’re a lesbian and dating me as an FTM you are still a lesbian that also goes for straight women as well. However I have been met with many people telling me this thought is impossible. Be that other people in the community, other lesbians, and even FTM/MTF’s.
I think that while yes dating an FTM/MTF puts you in a sort of unusual position it should not have any bearing on your label or identity. However you wish to title that I believe that inside decides who and what you are. I myself only ask for the respect that you see me and respect me as a man. If you enjoy the title of lesbian I will always respect that and I see no reason as to why you should have to label yourself as anything because you are dating me but many do not agree.
Am I completely wrong in this? Does dating an FTM or MTF define your sexuality? I would love to hear your views.