Fail new blogger thing..

Well that is interesting. I'm not sure if it's a new security feature or if it's just a fail default option by "google+" but now I can't read anyone's blogs. It says you have to invite me to see the blog. Well.. guess if you're on my list and you want me to be able to continue to read your work you have to invite me to do so.

Fuck...

                                                                    Fuck I think I’m falling in love.

                What is love? Is it that fuzzy feeling I get every time I see your name? Or that tingle down my spine every time someone asks me how you are? Could love be that stupid grin I get when you say my name? I honestly don’t think I know what real love is. I’ve spent too many years faking my emotions that I’m not entirely sure as to what this might be.  

                This online thing is so confusing me to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting played and others I feel like I could be perfectly happily being your man for as long as you’d have me. You honestly scare the shit out of me. I don’t want to be a game or a test for you but sometimes you make me feel like as long as I can have a little bit of you I wouldn’t mind what you did to me.

                Being in an online romance I feel stupid sometimes for how my heart races because of you but there are other times when it just doesn’t matter to me. You make me feel like I can be someone important. I guess what I’m saying is in July I may not be able to let you go. 

What community?

     I find it very sad when people in your own community drag you down. When a cross-dresser tells you a FTM that you look girly, yet you can see their 5’o clock shadow and still say they look beautiful. When someone tells you that the young transgendered woman that you are interested in and are trying to figure out the dating game together is just toying with you because she’s bored. I don’t understand how we can go about yelling stick together and build a community when all we do is drag one another down.

     I sit back and I keep my mouth shut a lot of the times but this is the straw that broke my back. You may be right. I may look “girlish” right now but that could probably be because I have yet to take my first shot of testosterone. The young woman that I am fascinated by could possibly be using me or just “playing” with me as you so politely put it but it’s my life.  I find it laughable that I am to believe these people are part of my community but they don’t bother to get to know anything about me. You don’t bother to educate yourselves in what it’s like to be an FTM yet I am supposed to listen day in and day out about how hard it is to be MTF or a cross-dresser.

     I don’t doubt that you have it hard but I find it insulting that you believe my life is any easier. Do you know what it’s like to fear for your life from your own family? Did you run away from home with no money and no plan? You do not know me. You will never know me. I put on this bright smile and I accept each and every one of you. Please return that respect to me. I do not judge you. I do not tell you that the person you’re attracted to would never want to be with you really. I can’t understand how you think you’re building a community when you alienate your peers.

     If this young woman is toying with me well tough shit for me but please don’t put someone down when they’re finally finding some small piece of happiness. I'll get off my soap box now. 

Wild horses couldn't keep me away..

I may be 24 but I feel like 15 all over again. I go outside to sit on a swing while staring at the night sky. Silently wondering to myself if your heart is racing just as fast as mine. I think I could spend hours in silence with you and be perfectly happy. The perfect ending to a hard day is to hear you say hello on the other end of the line. 

Time goes by all too quickly when I capture your attention. Hours seem like minutes and I never want to let you go. I sound silly? I must. Puppy love ramblings are not what I thought I would be doing at almost 5am. I just can't get my mind off of you.   

T..

So it's official people I received my script for T today and will be getting my first shot on May 4th. Why so long? Well MA kind of sucks and they do appointments really weird here. You have to pretty much be dying to get into someone quickly otherwise you're waiting at least a month.

I was so excited when I first got the script and I kept having all these thoughts about how it's finally here. How I'm finally going to start the next step in my life and then it hit me. All the doubts I've always had came out with a full on assault. I can't catch a break from my own mental state it seems.

I don't doubt that I'm transgender however my religious guilt sets in and I think to myself "what if the bibles right? Is this worth going to hell over?" Fun place to be in my mind. Then I remember that I can't live as I am or I'll lose my mind anyways and it gets a little better. Another fun thing my mind does? It reminds me that I'm TERRIFIED of needles. It seems I can never just enjoy getting to another step in this transtion. Another huge fear of mine is that I'll have some horrible transformation and become a hairy ape or something like that. Vain and crazy I know but yet it still scares me to not know everything that will happen. Not what can that isn't enough for me. I want to know exactly to a T and that just isn't possible.

I've ramble enough it's 4am and I'm sitting here trying to calm myself. Sleep calls my name. Until next time.

Do I affect you?

I have found a great transgendered/crossdressing online chatroom and forum site for me to make friends with and while there I came across a topic that I couldn't believe so here it is.
Do I affect you? Does dating a transgendered individual define your sexuality? I have always been a firm believer that you are your own person. For me that even goes so far to say that if you’re a lesbian and dating me as an FTM you are still a lesbian that also goes for straight women as well. However I have been met with many people telling me this thought is impossible. Be that other people in the community, other lesbians, and even FTM/MTF’s.
I think that while yes dating an FTM/MTF puts you in a sort of unusual position it should not have any bearing on your label or identity. However you wish to title that I believe that inside decides who and what you are. I myself only ask for the respect that you see me and respect me as a man. If you enjoy the title of lesbian I will always respect that and I see no reason as to why you should have to label yourself as anything because you are dating me but many do not agree.
Am I completely wrong in this? Does dating an FTM or MTF define your sexuality? I would love to hear your views.

Interesting bit #2.

                    Interesting bit #2

I have a secret that I personally find interesting. I’ve never had the courage to ask anyone else if they feel the same way. I wish I could find someone I trust to ask this but then again I don’t know many people like myself.

I’m scared to death of being transgendered. Actually I’m scared to death of possibly being wrong about my gender. You may not understand where I’m coming from and I may not be able to explain it perfectly. In the back of my mind I’m always asking myself could I just actually be a confused lesbian. I know I’ve always felt different and I related more to males, that I find females completely foreign. However as that may be I’m still terrified of when the time comes that I actually start changing.

I've been approved for testosterone or T twice now. The first time I was approved I had to move to a different state before I received my letter and that caused me to restart the process. This is my second approval and I know the day the letter is being written but again the same feelings are coming. The feeling that maybe, just maybe I’m not this man that I’m presenting to be.

I could be completely wrong in all of this since I do have horrible anxiety and a very large fear of needles. To add to the issues I’m also terrified of change; any change at all. I’m terrified that T won’t deepen my voice enough or that I’ll have horrific acne. I’m afraid that I will never look like a man. Afraid that I could possibly forever look like some little kid that can’t pass for anything other than a 13 year little boy.

I also have an issue with family. I was raised as a very conservative Christian. When I came out to my family as a lesbian they actually tried to pray the gay out of me. I was an outcast in my own home. Luckily I was never abused but my life changed drastically after I came out. I was no longer allowed to hang out with my cousins. My grandparents avoided me at all costs and my home no longer felt like home. My biggest fear is that once I start T I will not even be allowed in my home. That I will completely lose what little aspect of my family I still have.

I’ve rambled enough for this blog I think for today. I know my grammar is terrible and that I need a beta reader but I don’t know anyone that I could trust with most of my thrown together thoughts. I try very hard with this so if someone wants to volunteer to pre-read my blogs I may take you up on the offer but for now I end with this.

    Am I alone or do others feel like me?   

  

  

Love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much; you could barely breathe when you’re with em’?  You meet, and neither one of you even know it hit em’.  Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah, them chills, used to get em’ Now you’re getting’ fucking sick of looking at em’.

You swore you’d never hit em’ never do nothing to hurt em; Now you’re in each other’s face spewing venom in your words when you spit em’ You push, pull each other’s hair, scratch, claw, bit em’. Throw em’ down, pin em’ so lost in the moments when you’re in em’

I’m just done with ever thinking that there is this “one special” person in the world for me. Every time I think I find this “special” person they turn out to be nothing but a bitch. Always nothing but a complete bitch and its never changed. I don’t care if I hurt your feelings anymore or if you hate me. Hell, hope I die and promise to spit on my grave. I don’t care what you think, do, or say. I am my own person. Here’s a big fuck you.

Can I get a do-over?

                                   Can I get a do-over? The little Trans boy would pray every night.

                                                Can I get a do-over? I would pray every night.

I’ve always thought that God made a mistake when he made me. I thought he made a mistake when he let me live even though my life would be this. God made a mistake when he made me. I was raised that God does all things well. If that is the case then I must be the exception to the rule or my life is just one big joke for God.

 I am a Transgendered individual. I am 23 years of age and I am just accepting my life for the past couple years. The concept of this blog is probably way over done by every other transgendered person that’s ever blogged but for me this is a therapy of sorts. Just like it’s probably therapy for others.

 I’m not sure where to start so maybe from the beginning? In 1988 a woman gave birth to a blonde little girl. Okay, so maybe not that far. How about just jumping to the interesting bits?  Interesting bit number one is that I’ve been dumped three times for being transgendered. While we all go through it I just find it so interesting that people say they love you but in the end they just end up hurting you.

I don’t like bringing up drama so no names will be given nor will any incriminating details just bits here and there. I will say all three girls knew that I was Trans at least after the first month or so after we started dating. It’s not like we were together for years and I just sprung it on them.  They all knew my secret and stayed with me for a good while but in the end they just couldn’t deal and left. That’s fine now but at the time I was truly hurt. Now I only wish them well and hope they are happy.

This is all just a rambling mess but the first blog is always the pointless post right? The posts from here on out will be better from this point on I promise and maybe even make sense.